It is when I am seething with frustration as my mom gives me the cold shoulder, that I realize - holy cow - I do the same! Analyzing the same, I can make a list (in my head- I wouldn’t even want to script on paper such atrocities lest they come true) of all the vices that have been passed in virsa to me. Please don’t get the wrong - there must be many virtues, but the sheer helplessness of realizing the traits within myself, especially after being a motivational speaker on the merits of control and choices, kind of pales them in comparison.
The moment passes, and it’s a short while, before I realize this vice is hunting me, haunting me like a persistent pulsating pain. Bam. I spot it again, and this time not in me or my mother, but in the average person next door. And then it dawns on me, that some vices are what have possibly been handed on the plate not down families but down generations, khandaans, cultures and possibly human race.
My pain in limelight here is our need to be heard, acknowledged, appreciated. To be right, to be the hero, the savior, to rub things in. A little while back, a colleague trainer and a dear friend was lamenting: 'let's say you are coming to my house, I call you and say, sorry have you left yet - I need to be elsewhere importantly. Why do you have to say, "even if I was, it’s okay"?' The point in the now-not-so-clear analogy being, why do you have to rub things in? Rub in your greatness? What insecurities and need does this gratification feed?
Another popular phrase on the same lines is "I told you so" - harping on see I am right. I agree with my mentor when he guides me on conflict management with the first dialogue to be 'you are right'. I know it works and I understand the human need behind it, about guard being down, being open and receptive, but why should we do that. My problem is not in the phase 'you are right'. It’s more of why does the listener need to hear he/she is right and why doesn’t the speaker understand everyone is right in their own accord, from their perspectives. Why do some of us only use this as an easy technique to win people over?
After college, I find myself increasingly obsessed with bullies. At points I sense a strong rescuer in me, crusading against any bully acts. It’s beside the point that I am yet figuring out why. But one of the issues in this phenomenon is the need for a person to feel superior by making the other person feel inferior. How can we undo this easy method? How can I raise children who gets their sense of accomplishment by their own rising and not someone's falling?
As I write, I am perhaps not so clear. This is because, this need that I type about is so overlapping in so many of our behaviors, that I quite don’t know how to segregate and isolate it. It is so easy to control people as long as you feed their egos. Rather this should be a question; why is it so easy. Why is it so acceptable to punish people if they don’t give you importance? Our society, our books are built on shame and guilt. I am not advocating these emotions but why isn't there shame in seeking attention, appreciation and acknowledgment. Why is the one punishing, the stronger being. Why doesn’t he/she understand that they are weaker for the want, weaker for the dependency, weaker for the external locus of control.
Perhaps this is about security and sensitivity. It’s about the culture of murawwat and takalluf. In this discussion, its important to distinguish lihaaz with murawat. Murawat brings with it forcefulness and hypocrisy. You say something you don’t mean because you have to and here is the similarity to bullying. You have to concede, to give in, to say you are right when you don’t have to. Lihaaz to me is a graceful act. Its about respecting and accepting the individual. It is based on giving them the dignity they deserve.
Anyways. Lamenting is just another something we always do and have been doing. What is the next step. How can I take this out from heritage. In my opinion, the first step is to look within. Shifting my locus of control inwards. Forcefully. Consciously. With reward, punishment, nurturing, whatever it takes. But growing independent of others' acknowledgment. Let the work be the reward. Let the relationship be the prize. Let the acceptance be the high. Let the surety be your drug. Incidentally the beauty and irony is, when you stop seeking, all external forces come to you. The money. The partner. The credit.
My next step is to pry loose from this web of awareness and frustration. Like Shahrukh Khan talks in the Lead India campaign, we have been trying, struggling in the thinking phase, the learning period for too long. On personal, social, societal - all angles, its time to do. More confidently than ever, when we change on the personal angles, we will change as a society.
And finally my mom. It’s not about her. It’s also not about blaming anyone, although it’s easiest to look onto someone you are close to, have interactions and frustrations with, and who mirrors your own vices and highlights them in your face. It’s not her or him. It’s us. That projection, that dirt aching us is because somewhere deep inside I have the same stain.
So lets clean up. Lets change the genetic coding. Lets alter the given. Lets hand back, burn and bury the virsa. With love.
