For me this day started kal shab say. All that happened. All that was said, heard, unsaid. As I look back on today, especially after the tears have stopped, in memory of my friend Kiran, I realize. Realize, connect, and reflect.
The big picture
Last night I bonded with my God. Strong, passionate, tete a tete. As I bowed in sajda, my body sobbing, asking repeatedly for my petty wish, I felt Him communicate to me in realizations. One sigh wrecked my body, and in the next peaceful one, I saw the smallness of that wish whizz by eyes. Literally, 5 years flashed by in 5 milli seconds. And like a dialogue, I immediately sobbed again and said, yes well, BUT just give me this. But this is teaching you. Patience. Discipline. Making you stronger. Ah yes, I want all that but just take this away; I’ll learn some other way-no wait. Don’t give me another test. No of course I want the learning. Ugh, look you’re the one. I am sorry. But You turn it around. Bus. And it went on till the sobbing and the conversation eased away with my pain.
It’s so small. What you and me are fighting for. Our petty, ludicrous issues. So small. We are above that. Meant for more. And life may just change. Truly He is capable of turning my/your world about, in less than the smallest time unit.
Here and now
My birthday was June 19. Since June 20, I have been mentally compiling and publishing my thank you note. It’s almost done. I wanted it big because I felt it big. July 19 came and I figured now I must publish it. Monthly connection. And then July 28th. One of the friends, who made me smile, is gone. Not knowing how grateful I was for her presence and presents! Nothing but regret remains.
I don’t want this regret. For not telling someone I love them, sorry, thank you, you mean the world to me, I forgive you; let’s talk... it’s here and now. No tomorrows.
I will publish that thank you today!
Decisions. Now
Kiran and I conversed on emails frequently. I am rotten with my FB friend’s request. I wanted to tag her in her picture today so I looked up and realized, again, she wasn’t there. Traced her from Umair’s facebook and saw her request was pending.
Went and added those I wanted to. Ignored others. But no pending. Do it today. Today is the Day To do.
Signs from God
Kiran, me and Umair met up frequently. She opened her heart to us in a capacity that marveled us. And all I can say is, there are signs from God. Everywhere. I just need to open my heart to them, and trust my eyes.
Be careful what you wish for
What did we wish for last night? Maybe some from the plane wished for peace, for attention, for God knows what. I wished to let go. I sobbed and sobbed to earn the ability to let go. And I am part scared of the implications.
Been petrified all day. A morose feeling. Tears flowing even before the news came. Numbness. Sensitivity. Cling-iness. And a surprising strength and aloofness.
Plans
Are plans for the future? Or the plan is to live 100% in the here and now.
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| Kiran Bokhari, my friend who passed away in the air crash on July 28, 2010 |
