Vice Virsa

It is when I am seething with frustration as my mom gives me the cold shoulder, that I realize - holy cow - I do the same! Analyzing the same, I can make a list (in my head- I wouldn’t even want to script on paper such atrocities lest they come true) of all the vices that have been passed in virsa to me. Please don’t get the wrong - there must be many virtues, but the sheer helplessness of realizing the traits within myself, especially after being a motivational speaker on the merits of control and choices, kind of pales them in comparison.

The moment passes, and it’s a short while, before I realize this vice is hunting me, haunting me like a persistent pulsating pain. Bam. I spot it again, and this time not in me or my mother, but in the average person next door. And then it dawns on me, that some vices are what have possibly been handed on the plate not down families but down generations, khandaans, cultures and possibly human race.

My pain in limelight here is our need to be heard, acknowledged, appreciated. To be right, to be the hero, the savior, to rub things in. A little while back, a colleague trainer and a dear friend was lamenting: 'let's say you are coming to my house, I call you and say, sorry have you left yet - I need to be elsewhere importantly.  Why do you have to say, "even if I was, it’s okay"?' The point in the now-not-so-clear analogy being, why do you have to rub things in? Rub in your greatness? What insecurities and need does this gratification feed?

Another popular phrase on the same lines is "I told you so" - harping on see I am right. I agree with my mentor when he guides me on conflict management with the first dialogue to be 'you are right'. I know it works and I understand the human need behind it, about guard being down, being open and receptive, but why should we do that. My problem is not in the phase 'you are right'. It’s more of why does the listener need to hear he/she is right and why doesn’t the speaker understand everyone is right in their own accord, from their perspectives. Why do some of us only use this as an easy technique to win people over?

After college, I find myself increasingly obsessed with bullies. At points I sense a strong rescuer in me, crusading against any bully acts. It’s beside the point that I am yet figuring out why.  But one of the issues in this phenomenon is the need for a person to feel superior by making the other person feel inferior. How can we undo this easy method? How can I raise children who gets their sense of accomplishment by their own rising and not someone's falling?

As I write, I am perhaps not so clear. This is because, this need that I type about is so overlapping in so many of our behaviors, that I quite don’t know how to segregate and isolate it. It is so easy to control people as long as you feed their egos. Rather this should be a question; why is it so easy. Why is it so acceptable to punish people if they don’t give you importance? Our society, our books are built on shame and guilt. I am not advocating these emotions but why isn't there shame in seeking attention, appreciation and acknowledgment. Why is the one punishing, the stronger being. Why doesn’t he/she understand that they are weaker for the want, weaker for the dependency, weaker for the external locus of control.

Perhaps this is about security and sensitivity. It’s about the culture of murawwat and takalluf. In this discussion, its important to distinguish lihaaz with murawat. Murawat brings with it forcefulness and hypocrisy. You say something you don’t mean because you have to and here is the similarity to bullying. You have to concede, to give in, to say you are right when you don’t have to. Lihaaz to me is a graceful act. Its about respecting and accepting the individual. It is based on giving them the dignity they deserve.

Anyways. Lamenting is just another something we always do and have been doing. What is the next step. How can I take this out from heritage. In my opinion, the first step is to look within. Shifting my locus of control inwards. Forcefully. Consciously. With reward, punishment, nurturing, whatever it takes. But growing independent of others' acknowledgment. Let the work be the reward. Let the relationship be the prize. Let the acceptance be the high. Let the surety be your drug. Incidentally the beauty and irony is, when you stop seeking, all external forces come to you. The money. The partner. The credit.

My next step is to pry loose from this web of awareness and frustration.  Like Shahrukh Khan talks in the Lead India campaign, we have been trying, struggling in the thinking phase, the learning period for too long. On personal, social, societal - all angles, its time to do. More confidently than ever, when we change on the personal angles, we will change as a society.

And finally my mom. It’s not about her. It’s also not about blaming anyone, although it’s easiest to look onto someone you are close to, have interactions and frustrations with, and who mirrors your own vices and highlights them in your face. It’s not her or him. It’s us. That projection, that dirt aching us is because somewhere deep inside I have the same stain.

So lets clean up. Lets change the genetic coding. Lets alter the given. Lets hand back, burn and bury the virsa. With love.

The Now of It

To err is human. To err again is insane. Many scholars and philosophers and great men have unanimously agreed on the virtues of learning from mistakes and the vices of making the same mistake twice.

As I sit up. unusually late, I am tormented by my 'same' mistake. Perhaps I have made this mistake many times, but only once earlier I did this with irrecoverable loss like today. With the finality of the death of a loved one and not being able to express myself to them.

Why do we not do things now. When we think of them. When we conceive them.  When we are excited by them. When we are turned on by them. Procrastination seems too small a word for the illness of delaying the Now. Delaying a phone call, a hug, a thank you, an apology - delaying expression which might haunt us forever.

With its shams and miracles, life's unpredictability is certain. Why then, how then, can we afford to risk a delay in now. Life and its moments are too precious to lull, stall, sleep and sit on ideas, plans and  relationships. Why are we waiting to get better, older, wiser, prettier to do stuff. Why do we wait forever to speak of our feelings? Of love or of dislike. Speaking for or speaking against. Why does the adult wait for burhapa to be nice to parents? Why do we sit on ideas and proposals at work, and wait for the perfect timing? Why don’t we move on, let go and capture more from every living moment. Why do we allow our lives breaks, runs and reruns. Lets get cut-throat on these moments. Whether they later become  mistakes, failures, broken promises, torn hearts or sunken money - why don’t we live and place the value on the now of it.

As our guiding light, our faith, Islam urges us through the azaan to do things in time. Now. Pehlay waqt par namaz parho. Farz ko pehlay karo. Now, the question is, what is farz for us. Is it farz that life be spent to 100%. Is it farz that you serve to your fullest? The body and soul are an amanat, a loan lent out to you for a certain purpose. Is it not farz to execute the purpose to the maximum capacity? In the best of time. "tumhay qasam hai waqt ki - asar ki". And is there any better time than now?

Away from the faith, clichéd quotations and modern animations say the same. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery and today is a present. Within the three shots, four breaths and five minutes of right now, any thought you may have, unless you catch it in action, becomes the past. And to catch it and capture it into nows you cherish well into time, where you fully utilize Gods amanat, you have no choice but to grow now. Read now, write now, speak now, think now and practice NOW.

The only way to make a present is to be in the now. If you realize, if you calculate, so much of now is whizzing past you into your past. Its like a fruit ninja game where each fruit falls down and under in the nick of time. Will you take your sword out and slash the fruit and cement it into a now. Or will you loose the game of moments, the game of life, and grow insane with the mistake mankind has been making repeatedly. 

M'now

So often we hear - power of now, the times is now, here and now, and more lately wow now. It remains undoubtedly one of those principals - ever true and never changing.

But like most principals- truth, integrity, love - this is a killer to practice. To not go into the comfort of your past pain, or the excitement of the  future is not an easy task. Despite its done over and over, why am I choosing to write about it too? Because it is my now. These days I am living my journey inward and hence to my now. And the payoff of jumping in the now is like a sugar rush; I am compelled to write simple ways why you should manao now into your life.

1. Now almost always results in gratification right after you act in the now, and it almost never ends in regret
2. It's instant self empowerment. The power of now doesn’t actually require willpower but a want for willpower.
3. If you fail in the now, it makes for practice to perfect the future wow.
4. If you take now out of the equation, there is no later. And that doesn’t require any explanations!
5. It helps take decisions. Yes or no, we are out if the limbo.
6. If you are really mad, say it now, hold your peace or step away. All-ways, don’t hold the grudge for later than now.
7. When its tough -giving up on your favorite or stepping on that platform to speak - reducing it to just this now, it becomes easier.
8. Now implies urgency and because its critical, important. As ashraf-ul-maqlooqaat, we are meant for so much more. In a way, so much of our live is urgent and important now if we want to earn, give, be, add and live the life we want.

9. Now means 100% in the present. Whether talking to someone or watching a movie- we need to be in now to derive maximum leverage.

10. Take things around as other's now. Take things are they appear- do not doubt, question, loose trust - accept it as now.
11. Being in the now is being with yourself. No matter which time frame you place the now in, you are always there. And a you-focus means a stronger you and hence more value for all those you touch.

12. 5 year plans, life long agendas, values, credos. These things by their length-suggestive -terms suspend thinking. But to maximize living in the now, think now of simple things along the lines of
1. What makes you YOU
2. What do you want from life
3. What makes you happy
4. Where do you want to be in 1-3 years
5. What things/ideas do you never want to part from

13. Imagining and feeling life now as how we want it lets us have it. Its the same idea as the law of attraction where we attract our desired goal into our life by mimicking or acting as we want to be - more attractive, empowered, efficient, richer etc.

Some months ago I lost a friend in a plane crash. Some weeks ago I saw a close relationship crash. Plans are critical, but perhaps more of life should be in the now. Chances are if you now is good, so will your future be. Send the email,  skim that book, call a client, tell a friend thank you, and a lover that you love them. I made many plans for time not-now, and with people not present in my now. No regrets, but I find it more fulfilling to be and do now, with the people in it now, and the one I will always be now with - me. After all its my now. m'now.

So go on decide and manao your wow now!

1-2: buckle my show

1. Sometimes we are standing at the same place but because we are shouting so much it seems as if we are at a distance.

2. People are focused. When we hear stuff, we gather the info in front of us, and put it into the shredder of focus. Some shred it by applying it all on themselves. Pure paranoia. He is really saying this to ME through this example. On their relationship. This too means he wants to end. As an affirmation to their theories and beliefs. How can we learn to defocus. As I read in the book, eat pray, love, Italians just be. Why can’t we just be? I can’t! I watched grays right now, and I can apply every lesson to my life. I loved it. Buy why?

3. Beautiful lesson from grays: many lawsuits can be avoided by saying sorry. Cause many people really just want to be acknowledged. Just say sorry. They were right.

4. I once came up with this thought. I stand by it. Apologies should be made with greater aplomb than the insult/hurt/act causing the apology. It’s like favors. Or borrowed money. Always pay back more. And no don’t bring in convenience. Friends don’t need it. They understand the body language. The puppy eyes. They know. Oh they KNOW. So go out and say sorry. Cause for a friend, sorry are not priced with egos.

5. Acknowledge through praise. There is perhaps no speedier way to a heart than praise. For ANYONE. It’s one stop shop for a smile. Genuine praise.

6. Whale done. Highlighting the positive and ignoring the negatives. Why is this hardest to do where it’s needed the most? Where there are repeated fights, fallouts, breakups, let downs. Where it will really matter?

7. If whale done is highlighting the positive, is shark done what we otherwise and normally do? Highlighting the negative and forgranting the positive?

8. If you deliberately/accidentally saw somebody else’s phone, and saw something against you, can you hold the other person up to charge?

9. At the end of the day it’s all about the choices we make. Or don’t make. To write. Deliberate. Express. Hide. Say. Act. Do. Then why do we, no why do I want to not those choices by complaining about stuff.


10. If we choose x and know we should pursue it, but it doesn’t make me happy, do I have to explain it to you? It’s like I am working hard and I am tired but I don’t want you to tell me to quit my job or don’t complain. Just listen. Acknowledge. Be there.

11. Similarly, when someone asks for a favor; give or decline. Don’t cross question. Don’t give alternatives. They have considered those alternatives and then come to you. Asking is not easy. So respect that. Don’t make asking look like begging. Make it look easy. Easy doesn’t mean the taker doesn’t realize its worth. Their gratitude goes up, not down, when you do the favor like a breeze.

12. How will we learn to just be? In the feedback session with gora trainers, my guru Jon taught us value of just listening to feedback and being. In the moments. With ourselves. Just be. To not have to justify, prove, explain. Just be. Ah what a world that would be. Be.

Are you listening?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

The Usual Suspects

Fri April 23, 2010

As a bonus, this week I wrote another piece- extension on Manage Smart. Aka time drainers these are habits weaved in our lives that suck on time like a parasite! Spot them and flog them on SPOT. Some of my detested ones.

a) Smsing in the same room-don’t bother smsing back unless urgent and important.
b) Repetition. Do it once and do it well. Make it a policy to edit and finalize tasks as they occur. These suspects also take shape of lingering decisions, prolonged ‘discussions’ and unclosed decisions
c) Search killers. Similar to repetition yet important to deserve a separate bullet is our important R&D. Prior any assignment, I search like no Google tomorrow. And of course because I have no time, dump the search in an obscure folder guaranteed to never be of use again. Organize search to expand current and save future time.
d) Save the tough for the last. Wrong. Tough is top!
e) Aloo gosht conversations. Hi hellos, weather, gossip and alas, vague feel talk. These endless communications serve no purpose, drain energy and distract immensely.
f) Lameness of sameness. In school I hung out with the same gang post 2. In college, post 4. At work 6. Same people. Same topics. This naturally comfortable phenomena wreck time balance. Diversity of people results in diversity of tasks done.
g) Set minds. Sometimes our mind is the most usual suspect. Common crimes:
i) Weekend boundaries- inability to understand the weekend is the break from work.
ii) I don’t have time. With this belief 100 hours are not enough.
iii) Time spent is directly proportional to significance. It’s not. It IS proportional to excuses, ill balance, inefficiency and others. I met a friend after quite a while and in a room full of people, we felt we are on our own, connected and entranced by our own conversation! Quality over quantity!
h) LS: listing syndrome. I suffered this. I had lists for my lists and I spend more time making them than working. Einstein said I would spend 95 out of 100 minutes analyzing a problem and 5 to solve it. Understand the difference between understanding a task and listing a task.
i) More. When something/someone is fun, inspiring etc, it’s natural to want more. Learn to say no to yourself and others, NO MORE please.
j) Problem participant. They are like a presenter’s difficult audience. They want help, advice, share, time- all the time. Tip. Give them the edge of responsibility and learn to assertively ignore.
k) Indulging in usual suspects. Don’t tackle these slowly with love. State your purpose and intent to make most of everyone’s time. Be guiltless. And steer clear.

Till next weekend. Always Ajju

Manage Smart

Friday april 23, 2010

This week after years of grueling over tipsy work-life balance, time scarcity and being parched and stretched, I managed my life! My emotions, friends, family and most importantly me and my time-happy little balls juggling in the air. Some ideas that worked.

1) Priorities. I asked many people for top tips on work life balance. Most centered on having priorities and being disciplined on them. Priorities change with different ages and stages but make no mistake that unless you are your priority, you won’t get very far, in this article or life. An empty well can’t quench anyone’s thirst. So proactively look out for your health and respect your heart and mind. Stand up for when you are stretched and tighten the leash when you slack off.

2) Dial 15... Min min. Tasks are daunting errands we must do. 15 minute is easy time slot we can choose. Match the two by dedicating 15 minimum minutes to a task. By adding a constraint we creatively manage more and tougher tasks than with unlimited time access. Aka time boxing; create time frames as per requirement or priority. E.g. overall work box can be 9-6 or pest box (for small annoying,
buzzing tasks) one hour. Tip: Play between max and min for max win!

3) Monkey business. Delegation is a man bless if you know the rules. My take from the famous HBS article* on delegation.
a) If someone hands over their monkey to you, hand it right back. Screw graciousness.
b) Try to give your monkey away to a person who has authority, knowledge and responsibility
c) You can do it doesn’t mean you will. They don’t know doesn’t mean they shouldn’t or cant. Train your team to take care of monkeys!

* Google article for more; monkey refers to tasks)
4) Usual suspects aka time drainers. Spot these in your schedule and kill them ON THE SPOT. (next writing to elaborate on my usual suspects)

5) Twice a day every day. Within the work box, it’s important to limit and fix certain ongoing things. Top most is emails. Reserve slots in the morn and eve. Also includes social media.

6) M.USE. Use as your muse the skill of Multi Usage tasking. If you are a man, or over 28, aim for at least a basic muse or go for tackling many targets with one arrow!

7) Meal choice. Time spent together can be compared to food for relationships. How often, how much, what variety-some tips:
a) Buffet; this rich varied fun diet is good once in a while. Ideal for social gatherings and friends get together. Call many and achieve many purposes. Tip: you don’t waste the buffet by hogging one dish only.
b) Piece meal; for our closed ones, spouses or equals and family – these nugget sized meals ensure energy and metabolism throughout the day. Tip: avoid large sized nuggets resulting in lethargy and obesity!
c) Simple nutritious one heavy meal: Like the breakfast this daily meal sustains you throughout the day. Tip: this is often determined by priorities and can vary between work, loved one or yourself. Aim for no leftovers!

8) Out of rote road. My most mismanaged tasks are attempting obligations. When I have to, I just can’t efficiently do. I whine, stall and wreck my schedule at such tasks. Solution: STOP! Fracture monotony. Socially I now trek between sums, talk, creating, baking, quiet rides and emails to express myself to my friends and family. Caution: assert this IS your chosen method for being in touch so you don’t have to repeat in the other’s preferred way.
Similarly at work, attempt things differently. You’re a trainer. Go manage a relationship once in a while. Write. Sing. Coach. Speak on random new topics. Routine, no matter how inspiring, at the day end is routine. And nothing beats a creative mind’s working like routine.

9) Support Tech. These gadgets were made to ease our tasks and our lives. So let’s learn to expand our times with :
1. Bluetooth ear piece
2. Tweet deck
3. Loafah with handles
4. Online calendars and other syncs
5. Speed reading
6. Smart phones (with connectivity)
7. Auto/pre typed sms/messages/mails
8. Dying batteries (cell phone)
9. Bossy friends

To realizations

July 28, 2010. A different day. Black. Like the color black, this day had so many variations- the common being intense.

For me this day started kal shab say. All that happened. All that was said, heard, unsaid. As I look back on today, especially after the tears have stopped, in memory of my friend Kiran, I realize. Realize, connect, and reflect.

The big picture

Last night I bonded with my God. Strong, passionate, tete a tete. As I bowed in sajda, my body sobbing, asking repeatedly for my petty wish, I felt Him communicate to me in realizations. One sigh wrecked my body, and in the next peaceful one, I saw the smallness of that wish whizz by eyes. Literally, 5 years flashed by in 5 milli seconds. And like a dialogue, I immediately sobbed again and said, yes well, BUT just give me this. But this is teaching you. Patience. Discipline. Making you stronger. Ah yes, I want all that but just take this away; I’ll learn some other way-no wait. Don’t give me another test. No of course I want the learning. Ugh, look you’re the one. I am sorry. But You turn it around. Bus. And it went on till the sobbing and the conversation eased away with my pain.

It’s so small. What you and me are fighting for. Our petty, ludicrous issues. So small. We are above that. Meant for more. And life may just change. Truly He is capable of turning my/your world about, in less than the smallest time unit.

Here and now

My birthday was June 19. Since June 20, I have been mentally compiling and publishing my thank you note. It’s almost done. I wanted it big because I felt it big. July 19 came and I figured now I must publish it. Monthly connection. And then July 28th. One of the friends, who made me smile, is gone. Not knowing how grateful I was for her presence and presents! Nothing but regret remains.
I don’t want this regret. For not telling someone I love them, sorry, thank you, you mean the world to me, I forgive you; let’s talk... it’s here and now. No tomorrows.

I will publish that thank you today!

Decisions. Now

Kiran and I conversed on emails frequently. I am rotten with my FB friend’s request. I wanted to tag her in her picture today so I looked up and realized, again, she wasn’t there. Traced her from Umair’s facebook and saw her request was pending.

Went and added those I wanted to. Ignored others. But no pending. Do it today. Today is the Day To do.

Signs from God

Kiran, me and Umair met up frequently. She opened her heart to us in a capacity that marveled us. And all I can say is, there are signs from God. Everywhere. I just need to open my heart to them, and trust my eyes.

Be careful what you wish for

What did we wish for last night? Maybe some from the plane wished for peace, for attention, for God knows what. I wished to let go. I sobbed and sobbed to earn the ability to let go. And I am part scared of the implications.

Been petrified all day. A morose feeling. Tears flowing even before the news came. Numbness. Sensitivity. Cling-iness. And a surprising strength and aloofness.

Plans

Are plans for the future? Or the plan is to live 100% in the here and now.

Kiran Bokhari, my friend who passed away in the air crash on July 28, 2010

Life is a play...and my stage is

To me life is like the play Shakespeare wrote about, and unlike most trainers and leaders, the mix of internal and external locus of control, and the unknown ending to a moment, adds excitement and fun to the dance of my life!

Having lost a friend in the recent air crash has reinforced my focus on slashing negligence, listening to signs and living in the here and now.

My life’s personal philosophy, I have weaved into my life with an acronym that I use almost like a middle name. It’s called LYLA.

Love is the principal around which my life centers, and so does my work. I love to serve, to make a difference and I hold God’s love as an aspiration in life, urging me to do more.


You signify personalization, customization and people. Catering to people differently. Also highlights the uniqueness of people. It’s all about YOU.

Loads is the abundance mentality which allows me to share, let go, raise bars and set ever expanding standards.

Always or aye is un-conditionality; being principled and living with integrity.

 lyla!