For me this day started kal shab say. All that happened. All that was said, heard, unsaid. As I look back on today, especially after the tears have stopped, in memory of my friend Kiran, I realize. Realize, connect, and reflect.
The big picture
Last night I bonded with my God. Strong, passionate, tete a tete. As I bowed in sajda, my body sobbing, asking repeatedly for my petty wish, I felt Him communicate to me in realizations. One sigh wrecked my body, and in the next peaceful one, I saw the smallness of that wish whizz by eyes. Literally, 5 years flashed by in 5 milli seconds. And like a dialogue, I immediately sobbed again and said, yes well, BUT just give me this. But this is teaching you. Patience. Discipline. Making you stronger. Ah yes, I want all that but just take this away; I’ll learn some other way-no wait. Don’t give me another test. No of course I want the learning. Ugh, look you’re the one. I am sorry. But You turn it around. Bus. And it went on till the sobbing and the conversation eased away with my pain.
It’s so small. What you and me are fighting for. Our petty, ludicrous issues. So small. We are above that. Meant for more. And life may just change. Truly He is capable of turning my/your world about, in less than the smallest time unit.
Here and now
My birthday was June 19. Since June 20, I have been mentally compiling and publishing my thank you note. It’s almost done. I wanted it big because I felt it big. July 19 came and I figured now I must publish it. Monthly connection. And then July 28th. One of the friends, who made me smile, is gone. Not knowing how grateful I was for her presence and presents! Nothing but regret remains.
I don’t want this regret. For not telling someone I love them, sorry, thank you, you mean the world to me, I forgive you; let’s talk... it’s here and now. No tomorrows.
I will publish that thank you today!
Decisions. Now
Kiran and I conversed on emails frequently. I am rotten with my FB friend’s request. I wanted to tag her in her picture today so I looked up and realized, again, she wasn’t there. Traced her from Umair’s facebook and saw her request was pending.
Went and added those I wanted to. Ignored others. But no pending. Do it today. Today is the Day To do.
Signs from God
Kiran, me and Umair met up frequently. She opened her heart to us in a capacity that marveled us. And all I can say is, there are signs from God. Everywhere. I just need to open my heart to them, and trust my eyes.
Be careful what you wish for
What did we wish for last night? Maybe some from the plane wished for peace, for attention, for God knows what. I wished to let go. I sobbed and sobbed to earn the ability to let go. And I am part scared of the implications.
Been petrified all day. A morose feeling. Tears flowing even before the news came. Numbness. Sensitivity. Cling-iness. And a surprising strength and aloofness.
Plans
Are plans for the future? Or the plan is to live 100% in the here and now.
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| Kiran Bokhari, my friend who passed away in the air crash on July 28, 2010 |
4 comments:
Kiran was a very close friend of my dearest daughter and we are all shocked to learn about her tragic death just 2 days before Eid-al-agha.
Kiran, May Allah bless you with all the blessing that HE promised a Shaheed. Ameen
You will live in our heart as long as it beats.
-Habib
There is not a day that goes by where i don't think of Kiran. I see her face everywhere i go, and i don't sat that for the sake of saying it, i mean it. I literally see her face everywhere i go. She was my best friend for many years. We wore the same clothes, same shoes, had the same perfumes, and we even had the same car. It was crazy, we met every day and then talked on the phone for hours as well.
There is nothing i do, that can make me foreget kiran, or cover the void that she's left in my life.
I miss her, i really truely miss her. Kiran ment alot to me, i dont think my words can express how i really feel.
Every few weeks i come back to this blog, i see her picture and read every word you've written all over again, and i never muster up the courage to write. I mean what could i say, i called her up on the day of the crash and when she didnt pick up, i thought she changed her sim again, and now Again i dont have her new number. How was it that i didnt look for her name in the crash list? I could have never thought of it, no, it wouldnt cross my mind to look for her name. No she had simply changed her number and i was going to have to email her again and find out what the new number is. Kiran dead, no, no, no...it didnt even once come to my mind. Never. Not even when i met her parents at Kausar Market in F6 and i complained that she wasnt picking up my calls, it didnt come to my mind even then. No...it didnt happen
When i first met kiran, she wasn't much on praying. Well we were young and praying is for the old. But not really, i was changing inside, and i wanted my new friend to join me. I used to go to Faysal Masjid for Jummah prayers very regularily. I found an amazing inner peace at the mosque which i could find no where else, and i wanted her to share that. So i asked her a couple of times if she wanted to join me, and at first she squinted her eyes and tilted her head to the side, thinking over the proposition and she declined with a smile on her face. And yeah, well i can be a bit of a nag, so i naged and naged till she said ok. So i took her along once.
At the mosque she lifted her shalwar up, like the men do. And i laughed and i asked "why do you have your shalwar up." she said cuz all the men did too. Lol, I told her women dont do that kiran. And she giggled, and i smiled. I was happy to have her there with me.
And so when ever i was going to the Mosque i would try to take her along with me. But one day, i got pretty late myself and i didnt have time to call her and ask her to come along, and i'm like driving and thinking to myself i didnt bring Kiran with me....
But i had no time, i drove as fast as i could and when i got there i parked my car and ran towards the stairs. And when i did, what did i see. Kiran's car parked right in the front :) And i smiled, and i was happy, very happy. She made me proud!!! And i'm sure Allah is proud of her too!!!
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